When My Creativity Almost Died

Four years ago I was in the middle of what St. John of the Cross referred to as a “Dark Night of the Soul.” I was weary from burn-out. I was overcome by pride and sin. I was suffering from stupid financial decisions and friendships were falling apart. Life as I knew it was coming undone.

In what I thought would be a temporary move, I came back to my hometown and took a sales job. Temporary lasted 18 months.

In the middle of this I was diagnosed with clinical depression. I discovered this was not a result of things being out of whack. It was several years old, and in my opinion, probably the catalyst to things beginning to unravel.

I remember driving to a daily 7:30 am sales meeting. Each day I would beg God for understanding and release. I wanted to be released from my circumstances. I never was suicidal, but I remember praying many times, “Lord, if you want to take me, please do.” I suffered no where near the anguish of Job, but my heart didn’t know the difference. Dreams were dying. Hope was fading.

Understandably, during that two years of my life, I wasn’t writing or doing much with music. I wasn’t dreaming. I wasn’t teaching or speaking. I felt like Samson after his hair had been cut. Weak and ineffective.

Praise God. He slowly opened doors for me doing part-time work at my church with media. More importantly He was opening my heart up for repentance, healing and understanding. Slowly but surely I was becoming myself again. The best part of this mental, emotional and spiritual renewal; there was less pride. For the first time I really grasped grace not because of a good sermon or book, but because I was drowning it.

Creativity is an extension of who we are. God made us in His image. He made us unique with different gifts and diversity in the ways we create. Creativity is about ideas and how we bring “nothing” into “something.”

We all have dry times when creative energy may not freely flow. There are ways to overcome dry spells. But sometimes tragedy occurs. Maybe you’ve been there, or witnessed a time when the desire, the goal or the ability to create and impact crept further and further away. If this is happening, it’s because something is deeply wrong. If creativity is an extension of who you are, then this emptiness is because you are not yourself.

A few thoughts…

Pride kills – Scripture teaches pride comes before a fall. Whenever you think too much about yourself, little space is left for God. Creativity that impacts is a gift from God and a reflection of who He is. Where there is pride creativity begins to slowly die.

Depression is a blessed curse – Much has been written that leads to hope. Many of these writings were born out of sorrow and depression. While no one wants to reach rock-bottom, it is in brokenness that pride can be removed and we are reminded of who we really are. Creativity flows from honesty.

Creativity and grace are partners – We need to understand our capacity to turn ideas into impact is an undeserved gift. God never intended us to be empty spectators, but producers and contributors to life. Bringing life, light, and beauty into needy places is not a duty, it’s a joy given to us by God. He created and saw His creation was good. He has allowed us and called us to do the same.

There is potential for great danger through pride, and great power through grace. If your heart is heavy or broken right now, I encourage you not to fight it. In brokenness God deals with your pride. He extends grace. There you are free to be who you are once again for God’s glory and the blessing of others.

Please know God is working. He will restore you. I’m here to pray for you or encourage you in any way.

Questions for you…

• Have you ever been in a broken place before?
• Have you ever experienced God’s grace in brokenness?